STEP 10: Down and Out

I thought I have already been transparent with Jesus. After all those tears, ecstatic exchange and resolutions, I never thought that I still kept something from him.

One of my favorite biblical texts is Matthew's story of the Agony of Jesus at the Garden of Gethsemane. I like to meditate on it, offering to accompany him in this heartbreaking moment of his life, to cry with him, to share his suffering, etc.

Then, in my month long retreat, I got stuck on this very text. I didn't want to let him go, to let him die. I just wanted him to stay close to me. Then came my fears, the reality. It's been almost a decade since my papa passed away. Gethsemane night triggers my holding on to my pain, of not wanting to let go of it.

It took me some time to accept the reality in me. My newfound love for God seems to have made sense and gave meaning to my life. But then, what I was doing was actually filling in some empty space motivated by desires with wrong motivations. My love was possessive in the sense that I don't want to feel the insecurities and pains consequent from the departure of a person so dear to me.

But it was a stroke of grace when I came to accept and embrace the truth. I was then so alone and have lost the very person who have seen and accepted me as I really am. I was then in need of someone to fill up his place. At that moment, I stongly felt that Jesus' death would again destroy the "consolation" of having another one to love me. But then, it was only through his suffering, death and resurrection that Jesus could fully give himself to me and I could fully, in the truest sense, receive him in my life. He was inviting me to surrender that which binds me. With this, I was able to accept the truth of my self which was sub/unconsciously masked by my supposedly "ascending" love for God, let go of its "pseudo"ness and welcome in the "descending" love of God. If I wish to give love, I must also receive love [paraphrased from Deus Caritas Est].

Such acceptance of the reality, of my needs brought me to the core of my sinfulness, my filthiness, my masks, my poverty. It helped me see what have I done, how I have hurt God by the very things that I did to my life and those of others and also, how I have hurt myself in the process.

I just spent the whole three prayer periods crying and thanking God for his great, great love for me. By his death, I have been spirited to die to myself and his resurrection brought me back to the real joy of my real being, His Beloved Child. I am still a weakling [I accept that I am sometimes childish] that grace empowered me to overcome sin and my human tendencies. Jesus is love incarnate and his being so made His love the spring where I drew forth the love I need to love myself, Him and others. And contemplatng His Words and Deeds nourishes my faith from being a personal gift to a gift to his church, his people.

STEP 9: Christ Encounter

The story of Blind Barthimaeus was one of my favorite stories as a child. He was pictured living alone in his dilapidated hut outside the city walls, with a rooster and a pet cat. When he heard that Jesus was in town, he struggled to locate him and shouted aloud so Jesus could hear him. Though the crowd scolded him, he shouted all the more. And even with the thick crowd, Jesus stopped for him. Thus, they met.

Their meeting touches me. Jesus, the celebrated one and Blind Barthy, the blind and outcast one. With the difference in their standing, nothing has blocked their encounter. And even with the obvious reason of Barthy, Jesus expressed his interest and respect for him. He was so gentle with him and asked him, “What do you want me to do to you?” How beautiful are these words!

A few years ago, I was having crisis. I was then assigned in an office that is far demanding to the little capacity that I have. Even so, I loved and enjoyed my work. It sparked in me the challenge to sharpen my common sense, use my creativity and resourcefulness. With this, I was also enjoying the company of my local community. Little did I know, some sisters in another community were making exaggerated stories about me and their parish administrator who was also my adviser when my immediate priest superior can’t visit the chancery. I was just advised by my superior to spend some vacation and be away from the diocese. My local community defended me but the council won’t listen.

With a heavy heart, I took my vacation. At first I tried to be a little bit saintly in dealing the hurts. Many times the priest called me but I was resolved not to tell him the real reason.

On my retreat prior to my new assignment, I just wanted to cry my heart out. I never felt so alone in my life. I expressed my disappointments to God. With my anger towards those sisters was also my anger towards God. Was the priest worth more than me? I thought You loved me! Was it my fault that some person will have those feeling of attraction towards me? I did not do anything unbecoming while with him, but why was the council deft to hear my side of the story? How unfair!

But Jesus was so gentle in dealing with me just as He was with Bartimaeus. He did not scold me for questioning him. Rather, he just let me take some time out to “leak my wounds” so to say, to release my anger, and then give me the break. He did not post my wrongdoings in my face nor dictated me the should’s that I must do. But gently, according to my pace, He led me to see, to be aware, and to accept my failures too. No words of reproach, no scolding. Only a listening ear, an understanding heart, and a tender push to let go of the hurts and to go on with life. He gave me the freedom that I so longed but it is a freedom that draws me to practice with love and responsibility born out of deep reflection and pure intention. Slowly, I was healed of the hurts and have come to accept the truth.

Jesus’ gentleness really hit me. I was not used to this kind of treatment except from my papa. I realized that what transformed me, made me accept my own vulnerabilities was His unique way of touching me, of reaching out to me. I realize too that His giving me space gave me the room to see the real me, to accept it without insecurities, and to grow to the very person He wanted me to be. And such newfound peace and joy in life was and is still being nourished by His Love.

This new realization also brought me to open my eyes and appreciate the blessings God has showered me. I’ve understood the wisdom of God in the events of my life and I have come to see other people as a gift. I have come to discover a friend in my mother and have felt how she loves me. I have come to see the goodness of those branded as rejects by the society. And most especially, I have come to love even the unlovable because I realize that their being so was caused by their need of having someone to love them like Jesus.

I humbly pray that empowered by His Spirit, I will be like Jesus in my ways of living and in my ways of loving so I could also be a living Gospel to others, making them able to see the goodness of God and the beauty of life.

STEP 8: The Experience of Spirit

It was in the early 90’s when I had my first 8-day directed retreat. I was so excited about it. The sisters who have done their’s ahead of me told me how beautiful it was, as if they’re in the “seventh heaven”.I didn't have a clear orientation except the “silencium magnum”. But one of the special “features” that they relayed to me was the saintly and fatherly Columban spiritual director.

There were six of us retreatants and two spiritual directors who are going to journey with us so that only three would go to the holy director. Since I arrived late, I have to contend with the other director, Ate Venus.

Because of the excitement that I had prior to the retreat and especially because of the special “feature”, I was flabbergasted and frustrated. I was not the “open and frank emuy” then; but I also didn’t display the silent holy look and I think Ate Venus noticed.

I was using a Bisayan Bible then. And there were words that I didn’t understand. They were too deep from the usual Bisayan that we used at home. And paired with my “frustrations”, my first few days were spent “dryly” and “always ‘nothing happened’” in my prayers. But Ate Venus is a genius in drawing me out of my shell and letting me really see where I was then in my journey. She must have also prayed very, very hard for me.

In the fourth or fifth day, I encountered a word from the text Ate Venus gave me. I did not understand it so I shyly asked her what it means. I was shocked with my naivety for such a simple word. In my prayer, I opened to God how ignorant I was even for such a simple word. That’s my breakthrough. It seemed that God was a “joker” at that time. He made me laugh… laugh even at my ignorance … and at my mistakes. He had broken and penetrated into my "reserves" and made me feel that I could be just me, the real me with my weaknesses and sinfulness. I felt so loved by God and that’s my first conscious awareness of his being [like] a loving papa to me. Because of this experience, I became more open to myself especially to my being a brat. Such is the most beautiful gift that I received during my first directed retreat, and all my favorites [in different aspects] are nothing compared to it.

Our community is barely 20 years since its foundations. Many, many times, there were things that have disheartened me; no reasons could appease the inquiries of my mind and no consolation could lighten the heaviness of the burden but it is only being connected to him, the source of my vocation that kept me going.

There were even times when it was difficult even to pray, but God in his mercy is the one who found the reason and gently nudged me to. Really, everything is a grace. I am still far from being holy, nor do I have the fiery fervor and zeal. I am still too human in my inclinations. In whatever way though, through my readings, through my recreations, in my immaturities, even through the events and people that have shaken me, God allowed me to see him and feel him in all these things and always communicated to me his love and his inspiration. He has embraced me with his love and nothing can take me away from him. Having been seized by his spirit, I can’t but go on but live as he so wish me to, to transcend whatever culture that I’ve been used to. Being loved by God fueled me. As Fr Arrupe said, “… fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything”.

… At times when I’ve failed in my resolves, it was his love that strengthens me to rise up again. I know that in the future, … it would still be the same love … the same Spirit.

STEP 7: Calls of Conscience


One afternoon, while on my way to XU to attend Holy Eucharist, I got that feeling of uneasiness for what I have done to my seatmate in class. Last week, I pricked him with my sharp edged pen. I was already irritated with him then. He used to hold my hand. I tried to understand and I don’t have that feeling of malice since I consider him as one of my younger brothers but what irritated me most was when he wrote on my hand. I felt my patience waning away and I told him so but he kept on doing it. So that’s it! The monster in me got over him.

Reflecting on what happened, I’m not proud of myself. I should have been patient and more proactive in a sense. My mind tells me not to feel sorry for what I’ve done because I was right. His being “called” does not give him the license to just do things he wants to do with others [oh! I think this is also an issue that I’ve carried with me after being assigned at the seminary for six years. Sorry!] There's that tug of war happening inside me. My pride says it's ok. but a little voice told me that for whatever reason I have, it is not reason enough for me to react that way, that I need to say sorry! And I slowly felt compunction creeping to my heart … and I was given the grace to say sorry to him and only then did feel at peace again.

I can’t help but think of Saint Therese. How I’ve failed in the Little Way. I was not patient, humble and forgiving. I also remember Saint Augustine, a new friend I’ve met this semester, who after his conversion, has been so steadfast in his faith.

But before I met my great friends, I have a friend who was and is always with me, even before the time that I’ve became a little, little bit holy. I call him Little Voice. He is a friend, a true friend. He tells me things that both console and chastise me, directing and enlightening me. He is so honest with me. When I grow in my relationship with God, he also grows, becoming more formed and more mature. He is my conscience.

Slowly, I became more open and docile to his whispering. I think it is because having been touched by God’s love, I am now not as fearful and insecure as before. His love cuddles me even with my vulnerabilities. He is like the assuring presence that accompanies me through the dark tunnel of my wickedness, making me embrace the truth and all there is in me and around me, strengthening me to live out my faith. And with him, I am more at peace, being in the realm of God. He is a gift, a grace, for he stirs me not only to what is right but also to what is good.

With this, I remember Thomas Kempis when he said, “The glory of a good man is a testimony of a good conscience”. I hope and pray that I'll grow more every day and that all people will have that foundational experience of being loved by God so that all of us will not be afraid to let go of our pride and let God reign in our hearts. And with this new strength is a new direction, a new discipline, a new life in Christ.

STEP 6: The Wondering Mind


Not very long ago, when I told my spiritual director about my plan to study, he told me to be careful and be vigilant. He had apprehensions that I might only grow academically and forget realities. Another person told me to beware of the Jesuits for they will only groom my head, not my heart. For me, these are things not to be afraid of. I am not a brilliant person. I just love books and reading to while away my time; and also, to quench my desire for knowledge.

I am now almost through with my first year. At first, I was so challenged because I’m the oldest in class, even older than some of my professors, and am in need of memory enhancers. I really did try very hard even to the extent of forgoing my prayers. Really! But then, after some time, I began to realize that I could only give myself wholly to my studies and find its fulfillment if I bring them in my prayers and reflections.

There were times then when I was expecting things to be highly theological but then, I always find myself ashamed. God is so simple, natural and so down to earth. He touched me in the topics that I’ve read, and always, he draws me not to the complicated, ideal, and highly philosophical presentation but on the implication and significance of the subject to my life. One time in Pentateuch, after the exam, I told myself that I could have answered the questions better had I reflected and meditated on the subject of our topic. And also, I take it as a reminder from God that we need to work on our reflection papers in the context of real reflection, since we will be graded according to how we worked on it, either with our head or with our heart.

It was the thirst for knowledge that brought me here. After some significant experiences, I now see that God worked through my desire to be the venue of our meeting. He is the one who planted this craving in me but it is also Him who found ways to address this need in me. He did not give me this passion for no reason but to help me see the rationality of my faith, of my belief in Him. It broadens my knowledge and deepens my understanding. This realization brought me more to reality, the reality of my just being a creation of this powerful God who has given everything of himself for me to be united to him. And that I must not seek knowledge for its sake but for its deeper purpose, that of being more united to Him.

Before, I have some crazy questions to God. I asked him why he did not just make us like him, no more no less. There would then be no need for him to die and no need for me to struggle. I did not understand then the complications of his actions; but now, being in touch with my humanity with my tendencies and vulnerabilities, I already understand a bit the depth of His love for me. He suffered so much for his love for me just as He suffered so much for His chosen people Israel to let them see, understand and accept His love. It is a love that is not suffocating … but one that is freeing. Such freedom in spirit, in vision, is but the fruit of my docility to his teachings and stirring and to his presence in all things. And I can only receive such grace if I only open myself to him in prayer … and I’m continually praying, that he will give me the fervor and “divine discontent” of the Seraphic Doctor who is both wise and holy.
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STEP 5: The Heart’s Hunger

While preparing for my report in Church History on the life of Saint Augustine, I was touched and a little bit shocked. In my ignorance, I really thought that he was a guy who was on level zero with regard to having that sense of God in his life. I never thought that “at the age of nineteen, he was already so determined to break out from the chain” of his licentious life. His getting entangled in the world of philosophy and heretical teachings were somehow motivated by his search for God; his looking for him in the wrong place. In his “Confessions”, he described, “my infant heart has piously drunk in my Savior’s name … with my mother’s milk”. His searching has been a long process and quite complicated.

I was a little bit consoled while reading his life story. He struggled a lot and it also caused him so much pain to detach himself from that which hinders his searching. I am not alone. I thought I’m the most obstinate sinner there is in this world. Having attended a Chinese school, I didn’t have catechism in my elementary education, not even the summer catechism of Flores de Mayo. When I transferred to a Catholic school, I took in the teachings just to pass the subject. I was a snob and a stubborn brat. In college, away from home, I took things for granted. It seems I have been freed from the prying eyes of my family. I felt so free to be away from the do’s and don’ts and I went to places where my feet led me and did things that pleased me.

With the temporary pleasure that I was enjoying, I still felt emptiness and discontentment. I shifted to another course and transferred to the dormitory so I will become a little bit “holy” and be near to God while living with the sisters. But then I still continued on with my ways, remaining the same little monster as before, even doing things unbecoming to my being. And these brought me farther away and made me feel the worst of all sinners. Every time I attended Mass, I could feel God’s calling, his drawing me to Him but I was numbed to His stirring in my heart. At this time too, I decided not to heed His call.

But God can never be outdone. The more I turned away from him, the more he pursued me. He was and still is patient with my stages of growth. He reached out to me in my solitude, in the books that I’ve read, in the poor people that I’ve met, etc. He came to me in the gentlest manner in his very presence which only the “child” in me can perceive and accept. Even if I’m free to say no to Him, my being says otherwise. I have come to surrender to his sweet loving embrace…to his unconditional love… without doubt. Saint Teresa of Avila said, “God alone suffices!” Yes, it’s true. When I am with God and in God, I lack nothing. He is EVERYTHING there is in my life. He is LIFE. He held the key to the meaning of my life. Before I was born, He had sowed that seed of “longing for Him” in my heart… He has already sealed me as His own and like Saint Augustine, my heart will never rest until it rests in Him…

STEP 4: Escaping from Strange Gods

I am not the same person that I was before. I was the very reserved type, the silent loner wanting only to be at the background, passive … the plain wallpaper, as they say. But also within my closet were my being inquisitive, the fighter and the snob.

That’s how I describe myself before my “breakthrough”. And all these things were due to my low self-image. Mama has always wanted me to put my best foot forward, to be really a lady, and to socialize. But papa, who is a low profile conservative Chinese mestizo attracts me more because of his simplicity, humility, honesty, silence and generosity. I also grew up in the house of my paternal grandparents, composed of the first to the third generation [where I belong]. The interplay of such different personalities as well as different cultures made me “Me”.

Such growth in my human formation has parallelism to my spiritual growth - that of getting to know who really God is in my life. I have conceived him like a policeman always checking on my faults, a big-mouthed guard who has the monopoly of what is right.

Even with my lack of the basic catechism in my primary years, I have been graced with a “little” religiosity from the significant people in my life and from the books that I’ve read. On my fifth year in college, I got hold of the little book “Way of Divine Love”. It has the story of a nun who was favored with apparitions from Jesus. While reading it, I was so struck with the message. Instead of Josefa Menendez [the central character], there was only Jesus and Emuy. I was immersed in His love, his merciful love; but with this is my human feeling of doubts. Though I have tried to surrender to him, my mind wrestled against it because of my being “bad”. This experience of little foretaste of his merciful love left me thirsting for the God far different from the one I’ve conceived him to be. In many ways and many times, he touched me; but there is that feeling of unworthiness in me that strongly prevents my surrendering to him but He is one who can’t be outdone.

It is through my being a “spoiled” brat that He got hold of me. I don’t know how to say this…I know it’s not good to be spoiled but my being such which is due to my great trust to the very best father in the world, my papa, has brought me to Him or rather brought Him to me. I couldn’t believe that there is another person other than my papa who loves me, can love me more. It breaks all the doubts and opens a new horizon … God is like papa, the perfection of my papa, I would like to say. The best! But it is being “spoiled” in the right sense.With this, I’ve come to see myself as His beloved child, the apple of His eyes even with my sinfulness. His unconditional love for me brought a newfound peace and joy to my life and changed me to be the child that He so longs me to be … full of love, joy, peace and freedom!

STEP 3 – Escaping from the Wrong Question

I remember that time when I went to the cathedral to fetch my mother who was attending a parish prayer meeting of the charismatic movement. It was already recessing when I arrived. Near the holy water font by the door, a classmate of mine saw me and without asking the reason for my being there, she expressed her joy that I am also a charismatic. Having been known to be a “dormitoriana” in my college years, I remained silent but inside me, I’m telling myself that such movement is just for the uneducated.

Such was my snobbish attitude towards the movement. My aunts would even force me to attend and be baptized by the Holy Spirit, but I always find ways to excuse myself. One time, after they have successfully made me sit till the baptism, I found myself reasoning that the water that seems to wet me comes from the rain because the roof is leaking.

After about two years, I joined a community which is charismatic in nature. I have forgotten then about the “charismatics”. When, as aspirants, we were asked to attend a basic seminar, I submitted myself in the name of obedience. I don’t know how to describe my experience. I was speechless but I knew and felt that God has grasped me with his love and mercy and he gave me the peace I long so wanted. The rest is history.

Really, as Latourelle said, our being inclined to God is God’s gift to us. In the Gospel, between the wise and the innocent, it is to the insufficiency of the latter wherein the granting of such gift or revealing happened.

Before, I wonder what could be the reason? But not anymore. And hopefully, I’m right. People who are so meticulous and scrupulous sometimes missed the core point or essence of a thing. And this is also true with God. There was a time in my life when I was so focused on my sins, trying to analyze how He could forgive me, what kind of scale will he be using to weigh them. Was he so angry with me? How did he compute my wrongdoings against the little good things that I’ve done, etc. With these many questions, I almost failed to notice and accept his mercy.

My spiritual director once told me, “One can have faith and pray but we can not pray without faith”. With this, one can only say prayers, but still not really in relationship with God. My difficulty in letting the truth of God sink in me is because of my trying to box-in God according to my perspective, to my poor human thinking when what really is important is that I’ll just surrender myself to Him and accept His Being as so unlike mine. I need to be humble and to be open to the truth that I am just his creation. It takes a lot of grace for me to let Him be in order for my rational mind to grasp the things I need to understand.

When God created me, it is with the Word which is far different from that of the world. It is a Word of love and only a heart that loves can glimpse and appreciate the action of the Beloved. Like the angelic doctor, he might have been so philosophical in his search for the truth but his divine discontent for it was inflamed with the fire of love for this God whom we can’t see with our eyes but we can embrace in our hearts.

So, it is good to behold… the wonders of God’s love in our life. They answer more than whatever questions one asked about Him.

STEP 2 – Seeing through the System


Eight years ago, I attended the Mindanao-Sulu Women Religious Convention. It mentioned something about the multinational companies that affect local entrepreneurs, not to mention our well-being. A few of the doable, very practical and health–conscious resolutions is not to sell junk foods in school canteens run by religious, and of course, not to eat those stuff.

Being a religious, I tried to season my resolution both with my vows and pharmaceutical knowledge to underline its effects on my body. But much as I tried to, I still find myself buying and eating junk foods. Why is this so? I am a junk food fanatic. It’s in my “tongue”.

My mind tells me one thing but my body specifically, my taste buds have its own memory embedded in it that have long been conditioned by the constant and repetitive stimuli it received. And even if I tried to be critical about it, still my striving is only superficial. I have been conditioned to these stuff that it has become second nature to me. But still, I have to continue in my struggle.

Such analogous experience is what is happening to our society, to the structure where we are in. It may be in the structure of our family, educational institutions, business establishments and even in our church. People have beautiful dreams and ambitions but they are caught up into the net of deceptions.

It really is quite ironic and funny to think that we are more intimidated by people who have antagonistic features than those who are charmingly cute but equally dangerous. Really, It is better to feel the threatening effect of things because we really are conscious with our fighting them than the invisible and subtle claws that draws us to its web through the cries of one’s unconscious delights.

I remember a lesson in morality when people try to blame the structure or the situation they are in that made them the person they are now. They forgot that that they are not experimental monkeys but are free to make a choice and to make a difference for their life and that of others.

But then, as was our experience, we have become immune or comfortable to the very things which we should have resisted. Instead, these have become like anesthetics which unconsciously numb us to whatever there is to be done. Like the advertisements which Gallagher mentioned about not being taken seriously but costs a fortune to produce… they seemed to become like mantra to the public. We are hypnotized the hidden culture that tries to absorb us.

May our faith be strong enough to resist such tantalizing offers, to resist being dragged and drugged. May we go unto the deep instead of being content in drifting near the shore for this is what faith calls us to be, directing our heart to the will and ways of God.

REFLECTIONS ON THE TEN STEPS TO FAITH


STEP 1 - The First Freedom: From False to True Self

Our destiny is to run to the edge of the world and beyond, off into the darkness:

sure for all our blindness, secure for all our helplessness,
strong for all our weakness, gaily in love for all the pressure on our heart.
- Walter Farrell, OP

We are always on the go. We are so keen with our pace, so much so that it is always marked with our penchant for what is fast and what is instant. In the process, we long for things which we don’t know. At times, we seek for the things we’ve long for in the wrong place. And oftentimes, we don’t even know what we want but still continue to search as though we already knew what we want. In a word, we unconsciously missed the essentials.

Being in touch with our true self is a beautiful thing that can happen to us. It is a step where we depart from our false and superficial self to our true self. But then, it is also a difficult thing and I always refer to it as a “leaping step”.

Gallagher was right. Its difficulty is due to the many distractions within us: be it the ephemeral satisfaction trivial things offer, our being conventional, the fears of confronting our own weaknesses, the warm feeling of belonging, etc. Through it all, we are becoming hypnotized to think that this is already it, the real we.

But this is not it. If we allow ourselves to be still, to just be… being present to the moment, we will be entering into a world with shocking realities. It is a world where we can be contented of being who we really are, where layers of our defenses will be stripped off of us to reveal our original goodness as well as vulnerabilities. Yet, even so, comforting - to be accepted and loved without condition.

Such interplay of the movements, that of the distractions and of being, is quite elusive for us to understand since such ambivalent feelings are so subtle that sometimes we are not aware of it happening in us. They are hard to identify since what seems to be a drawing-away movement is masked by good feelings and vice versa. And more, we have already become comfortable with these deceptions that we so oftentimes thought this is the real us. Because of this, we need to enter into silence, into solitude and prayer where we can be honest with ourselves without the least being disturbed by other’s opinion, and even our own judgments. We need to let go to be able to have a breakthrough. And only such authenticity and awareness could bring us to the coast of our true self, our real identity and calling.

Experiences of breakthrough could inspire us more to stay put but there are times when we again put up resistances. In our “stilling” in silence, in prayer, fears of the aridity will again try to get hold of our letting go. Or it could be our uneasiness of the oppositeness of things and the demands of challenges that such stillness would bring. And sometimes too, we willingly submit ourselves to the stillness. But sometimes, it takes upheavals of any kind to thrust us to it.

Hopefully, in whatever way, we will allow ourselves to be engulfed to the mystery of the unknown and be gently led to such bliss of our real identity, a child of God. And may his constant whisper of “Do not be afraid” always ring in our hearts to persevere in being in the truth.